If you have read my previous posts, you’d know that pondering on things is my default. I am at the time of my life where I feel the need to think things through more and more. Most of the time, I am scared to do this as I might end up questioning God and His sovereignty. Well, honestly, I have trod that path several times now. I think we all have. But God has proven Himself constant. It’s just comforting to know that He is immovable like that.
People’s lives around me seem to be changing like a whirlwind. Everything is just too fast for them. I feel like I am a spectator pinned on my seat just watching and wondering. The question that comes to mind is, “Am I part of all these?” And though I so much want to get off the bench and be “in the game,” it seems like my time isn’t now yet—probably for things I want to happen to me.
Don’t get me wrong. I, too, am a very busy person. I barely have time for myself. Too many things to do and think about at work, in my family. My personal wants seem to have taken a backseat for long now. I fight for them once in a while, especially in music. Yet I can’t get myself to move until God says so. My parents and brothers would prod me every now and then to just go back home to Davao and start anew. People in the music scene would entice me (and believe me , it’s so tempting!) to leave everything and pursue music for good. But why am I staying? Is this stubbornness? Is this insanity? Probably—because I can’t get myself to move a single step without being sure that the cue is from God Himself. I believe this resolution is good, only please, may God enable me to respond quick and right when my time to move comes.
I write this with a broken heart, with so many questions running in my mind that sometimes would overflow into tears. I do not fully understand what God plans for me, but I’ll just have to wait and see. Ha! Such hardheadedness and insanity!